After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
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if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
apparently this year was written by stephen king
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”