Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
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8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.