Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
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The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”