I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
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Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
The DoorDasher placed our drinks against the door, essentially trapping us in our home.
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer