The DoorDasher placed our drinks against the door, essentially trapping us in our home.
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Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
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[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
If you’re testing me, we failed.
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
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