The DoorDasher placed our drinks against the door, essentially trapping us in our home.
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I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.