I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
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Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
I have a black belt in leather
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
There has never been a better time to go into a shoe store and surreptitiously stuff a note into the largest shoe you can find: “This used to be my family home, you b*****ds. Signed, Old Woman.”
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.