I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
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Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.