There has never been a better time to go into a shoe store and surreptitiously stuff a note into the largest shoe you can find: “This used to be my family home, you b*****ds. Signed, Old Woman.”
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If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
He looks like he’s got a lot to say
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
the thing about having a toddler is that sometimes you open the dryer and there are 20 cans of cat food in it
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.