Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
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I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
Found my door mat
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.