“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
You Might Also Like
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
He-man has a Masters degree
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realisation it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
Just a reminder, folks:
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door