Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
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My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
Yep.
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.