God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
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My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.