My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
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I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
“Wait, let me explain..”
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
Nose