Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
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ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real