Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
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*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
cutting my arm off BEFORE going hiking so that the 127 hours thing doesn’t happen to me.
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses