cutting my arm off BEFORE going hiking so that the 127 hours thing doesn’t happen to me.
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1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
when revenge coincides with naptime
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George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
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*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.