Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
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– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.