Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
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Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.