That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
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When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
For anyone who needs this today
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.