@longwall26

That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.

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@impaulmccoy

If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?

@BuckyIsotope

I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”

@GirlsNoteBook

If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”

@OllyiConic

Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.

@TheToddWilliams

[therapy]

DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon

ME: No, a fear of clones

DOC: Oh…that seems irrational

OTHER ME: That’s what I said

@frankzulla

How bad is it, doc?

“Well, you’ll never run again”

So basically the same

@michaeldean0116

‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.

@bridger_w

This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all

@Tmoney68

“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.

(Not even slightly sorry)

@CaptainObtuse

Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.