Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
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[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
the saddest jazz hands ever
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.