Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
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Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good