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Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
groan^2
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?