If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
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New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
Netflix and awkward silence?
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to