Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
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I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
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Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property