Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
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I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.