“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
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Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
Woke up against my better judgment again
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.