Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
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Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE