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Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.