So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
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my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”