I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
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According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
I wish I could veto my bills.
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself