I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
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I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.