[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
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Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
Broom by every window for quick escape.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
How did we not see this back then?