DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
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If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.