You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
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british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP