british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
You Might Also Like
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.