Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.![]()
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As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
Instagram is going to be wild when Millenials start scheduling their colonoscopies.
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
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Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
The U.K. ditching their old leadership on July 4th is an appropriation of American culture
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?