The U.K. ditching their old leadership on July 4th is an appropriation of American culture
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me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
I enjoy excess
*notices my doctor is listening*
but only in moderation
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.