“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
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[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
My daily affirmation
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.