Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
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Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.