“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
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(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
canadian assassins are called killergrams
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
Seems a bit forward
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.