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Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
Autocorrect is my menesis
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
#MeanwhileinCanada
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run