Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
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[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
79.
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.