dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
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Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
Why is this me 😫
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket