me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
You Might Also Like
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.