10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
You Might Also Like
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
Found my door mat
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
philosophical skeletons be like
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak