*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
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For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”