Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
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[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.