Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
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Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
Midwest trash talk
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”