Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
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Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
How to make infinite energy.
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
Them: Just act casual
Me:
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
“What?”
– Jude
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.