I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
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WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
tourist season
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.