WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
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*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
My neck my back my allergy attack
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”