Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
You Might Also Like
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.